Nima: Ladies & Gentlemen, welcome to the c-rrrrrraziest thing this guy has done since selling his retainer to pay for his self-tinting glasses. Moments after this picture was taken, he shaved the rest of his beard off and everyone around him continued not caring. Friend count with full beard: Zero. Friend count with half beard: Zero. Friend count with no beard: Zero. On the brighter side of things, he was finally taken off the “no-fly” list and is now allowed to get on American airplanes again.
Mani: Ohhh my God, John Lennon is alive. Or half alive at least. The real question that I have is, is this a permanent or temporary thing? If it’s temporary, can someone tell him that all good things must come to an end? And if it’s permanent what do the other inmates at the asylum think?
Nima: Oh, come on, man. If you’re gonna get into the beard game and compete with the big boys, you gotta groom that motherfucker like you mean it. Look at you, your loops are all asymmetrical and crooked and the tip of your little loopty side thing is all jagged and shit, and you’re so subconsciously freaked out about it that you’re already giving me that defensive stare like you’re trying to intimidate me and throw me off the fact that your half ass beard is maybe OK at best. I’m not impressed, homie.
Mani: I would love to see this guy’s business card. I’m sure there is a picture of him on it, right next to his name and the job title circus freak.
Nima: Hey Eduardo, bad news buddy. Looks like your peacock went to the cops and ratted you out. He showed them the pluck scars and everything. I suggest you ditch the Fancy Hair Pageant, get home and turn yourself in before things get really ugly. Nice twirly things, by the way.
Mani: This must be just another in a long line of mistakes. Let’s just count the mistakes in this picture, shall we? 1. The color of that shirt that is showing way too much neck; 2. the weird pony tail thing; 3. the feathers; 4. the twirly things just hanging there… Can you imagine this persons furniture? Hey bitch, you’re on our planet now, just try to blend in before Ashcroft gets suspicious.
Nima: Hey man, I’m pretty sure the saying goes “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours,” but if you think its “soap,” then I’m down to give it a shot. Ok, you’re all done… My turn!
Mani: Hey, if anyone knows were I can find the gay video of the shower scene that led up to this picture let me know. ’Cause there is no way this gumbas’ fat arms reached back and made twirls on his own back. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Nima: Uh, hi… sooo… ya… I’m gonna go now. What? No, no… nothing’s wrong. I’m just gonna turn around and leave. Matter of fact, officer, I might just moonwalk home.
Mani: The death of disco hurt all the members of the Village People in different ways but none as badly as Ray Simpson, the gay black cop.
Nima: Hey doggie, sorry about your little predicament there… I bet it sucks. She probably talks to you all day in a funny voice and sometimes when you’re sleeping she’ll lie down next to you and tickle your nose with the tip of her long-ass hair. You hate it when she does that, don’t you? You fantasize about mauling her. You can do it, bro. Cujo her ass up. Right now, man, go for it. Just a quick, ruthless lunge at the throat… she’ll never know what hit her. Come on you pussy… don’t just sit there with your tongue out… Attack! Fetch!. You wanna take these portrait shots forever? 1, 2, 3… Go! Fuck, dude, KILL HER!
Mani: The only real question is which one of them is on top?
Nima: Hi there, little dude! I’m not sure if you’re poor or hungry or what, so I won’t be mean. I just think your hair looks (and probably feels) great. You’re really pulling off that “I just rolled out of my hammock, put on my loin cloth and stumbled out of the hut” look, and your whole “step to my tree and I’ll bust a spear in your ass” vibe is really getting some looks from the village hotties. We should really get together sometime for a canoe trip or something… chew some tobacco leaves… you know, the usual. Anyways, I gotta get back to ridiculing people for other people’s entertainment now. See ya!
Mani: Holy god — this kid is officially the coolest kid in the world. It’s like he is saying hey, I may be poor malnourished and will most likely be undereducated but did you check out my hair…
Nima: Hey, wanna play “You’re Sad & I Don’t Care”? Ok, you’re on!……………… Good game, buddy.
Mani: What the hell are you, a witch? Shouldn’t you be out tormenting Snow White or something? At this point the only thing to do is go home find a razor and then find an artery. Buddy, you need a shower, a shave, a tan and anything but an Adidas jacket with frills.
Nima: At what point does this shit happen exactly? I mean his ear hair couldn’t have always been record breaking… He just must have neglected cutting it for so long that one day he turned to a friend and said “Fuck it dude, I’ve come this far, I can’t turn back now.” And now he’s the guy with the ear hair, and all bald-eared guys jock his stringy “moldilocks” steez.
Mani: I only wish that when I was younger this was my grandfather, then I could ride on Grandpa Punjab’s back while using his ear hairs as reins. Hey punjy — they’re called scissors. Use them. Seriously, when you can taste your own ear hairs there is a problem. And they don’t even taste that good either.
Nima: Hey you know you’re still “the fat guy with the beard and glasses,” right? Cuz for a second there, it looked like you thought the whole “I’m gonna dye my hair blue so no one calls me the fat guy with the beard and glasses” plan was working. Nice try, fattie! Oh, and your beard and glasses suck too!
Mani: Hey, freak show! I’m sure there is a law against having hair that color. People are shot for a lot less than that in other countries. What were you thinking? Was it “Hey, I look like a loser, but I’m sure with a little blue hair the girls will just start lining up?” I hate you for ruining blue for me… the Smurfs and blueberry Capri Sun will never be the same.
Nima: When Raad saw this, he said “That’s a helicopter!… What?!… Why… would you do that?… That’s like a Helicopter Turd… A Helicopter Slash Tuuuuuurd… Hehe… That’s DUMB!” His actual words, I swear.
Mani: I mean did she just wake up and think, “hey, do you know what I need? … A helicopter on my head… that’s what!” At first I just wanted to touch it… then I wanted to be Lilliputian size so that I could get in and ride the damn thing, and perhaps do a traffic report or two. Now I actually want to be the helicopter… holy flying hairstyles, batman!… is that a wire sticking out of the back of her hair? Does that thing actually rotate?? The only justice for that hairdo is if the motor shorts and sets her head on fire.
Nima: “Remember that time when we were laughing so hard about our matching beards that our shirts tore off and I touched your nipple?”
Mani: I wonder which one of them brings the shaved puppy to the party?
Nima: Hello, nice man! You look like you are going to give me chocolates from Denmark, and then skip down the road with me and the neighborhood kids singing harmonica-accompanied folk songs. On the more likely side of things, you probably won’t do anything but lure me back to your seedy bachelor pad with those damn chocolates of yours, where your roommate Sven will keep trying to touch my beard, asking “Vy don’t you just play vid us?” Damn Danes.
Mani: I love this gypsy! I mean look at him, he’s the life of the party. He has a triple beard thing going, how crazy is that?? If only I owned a gypsy freak show, I would tie this guy up behind the counter and have kids try to throw balls through those hoops for a dollar. Actually I might just tie the guy up behind the counter… and just leave.
Nima: Whoa! Are those things real? No, I’m being serious this time… is your hair real? Ya? How did they do that? Oh ya? That’s pretty damn interesting. Looks good too. How about your boobs though, are those real?
Mani: If there is a god, then this girl will some day soon beat me with her dirty orange hair. Slut.
Nima: First I thought, “Hmm… what could this guy love so much that he would shave a heart into his own back and then go to a baseball game and show it off?” Then I thought, “Hmm… how could he even reach his own back to do the shaving?” Then I noticed the bastard with the shades and camera, and it all came to me. That rascal has always loved this dude, so last night when this guy was sleeping he shaved the heart into his back, kissed the shorn center and said “You are mine now, I have marked you.”
Mani: Nothing says “I care” like shaved back hair. I wonder if it says “Will you marry me?” on his chest. What a great proposal that would be… he would get up from dinner with his girlfriend, turn around take off his shirt and then ever so slowly, turn around with a button popping Superman move to reveal the “Will you marry me?” on his chest to his his blushing bride. Hey monkey boy, loosen that belt before it snaps!